didn't something bad happen to JC at 33?

i'm not going to look at my old posts because i know i can't stand them.

today i'm 33 and i think this is the most difficult birthday ever. it's the first without my dad. my god, do i miss him. his unwavering belief in me will never be matched. through my separation, while he prepared to undergo a dangerous, experimental treatment for his lymphoma.

i am still really angry about his illness and death. i get mad at other people for having grandparents, for having mothers in their 80's, for not going through what i do. but it's hard to talk about. i mean, i can only physically say, "i miss my dad" so many times, and it's always a different feeling, a different catalyst, a different pain.

on to things i should, one would thing, be able to change.

my job is so unique and so precious, but also so immensely dysfunctional that i fear i have to move on. i am not the type to impose function on unhealthy messes. i just go along for the ride until i get scared i'm becoming part of the mess, no longer just observing it.

i'm just at this point that's like, why is my life what it is? why do i live in this particular place? why do i eat what i eat, hang out with those i (rarely) see, work so much. ugh, just a painful place to be at 33 when i was hoping for a little nap at the helm.

tonight we're having nachos and then probably watching some episodes of Friday Night Lights. tomorrow i work in the shop and have commanded myself to write the long-postponed email to our executive committee about my problems with the place. i've begun to look for other employment. sunday we go buy the sewing machine that is my christmas present. that is very exciting and i only wish we had been able to do it today so i could spend sunday actually sewing.

anyway, thanks for being here, old blog.

Jeffrey Yamaguchi

If you live with someone who cooks from scratch a lot, or if you live with someone who never does the dishes after you make a beautiful meal, you might like this very short story:
The Basil-Based Incident

Life

I just printed out the timesheets for each year I've been here. Such a weird, sad way to look at my life. I started here in 99!

May Melancholia

Last nightI went to a goodbye thing for a grad student who was here for the year and is returning home to Europe. It was more intimate than I expected (a lot of people have already left town for the summer) and I was sadder than I expected to be. V is a really awesome person and she had a hard time here and still, she doesn't want to leave it all behind.

Finishing The Island of Dr. Moreau yesterday made me think of the Econochrist song "Another Victim" because the beginning samples some of the movie version's dialog. Econochrist is a hardcore band that was around at the same time as Born Against and Rorschach, in the early 90's. I get really angry when I remember the first Gulf War. It's hard to explain. It's just that I hated that war so much, and it was nothing compared to what we are doing now. And maybe it's just that I was young and naive, or that it was a short time, but these days I can forget about the war with frightening ease.

On a better note, I watched Vertigo with E the other day. Mmm.

Tea and Cake

I've become one of those people who drinks loose-leaf tea. It was finding the adiago unbleached paper tea bags that converted me. Now I'm on the path to becoming really snobby about tea, too. I'm low on Earl Grey and was thinking over my next tea order but I just can't figure it out yet. I'll make due with what I have until I decide how much money I really want to spend on something so fleeting.

I'm taking a sick day today. I have a bit of a cold and just couldn't face leaving my bed today. My last day with my current employer is in about a week, so I do feel guilty. But then again, my life's felt pretty busy and it's about to get much worse. Today was a good day for doing tiny projects and bothering the cats. I was listening to the Librivox version of "The Island of Dr. Moreau" but it's too beautiful a day, and besides the house of pain isn't exactly what I want in my imagination as I put together a simple lemon cake.

I'm a little worried that I will finding running a shop (part of my new job) overwhelming. I've never had a real cash drawer before, besides having a table at a craft fair. I also don't want to miss out on the Saturday morning farmers' market, now that they're offering something besides root vegetables. The plan is to get up at 8 on Saturdays and get to the market early, which would actually mean *more* delightful treats, since they won't be sold out yet. We'll see. I have to remind myself how damn much I missed strawberries for the past 11 months. 

Tights

Ok, yeah, I am completely crazy about legwear, and have too much of it. But still, I do wear most of it frequently. I was looking for some lighter colors to wear for spring and finally gave WeLoveColors.com a try. Ick, I hate the tights that came in the mail a MONTH after I ordered them. They are just the kind you may remember from childhood Easter luncheons or from grammar school plays. They wrinkle, they don't stretch, and they don't come up *quite* high enough. I forced myself to try a pair today and it's just made me mad enough to order some of the new sheer pantyhose from AA. They look sturdier than the Jonathan Astin ones I ripped during one wearing. I'll let you know!

Better

Feel much better. Planned most of my Massachusetts trip and even get to try to Boltbus for one leg of it. I'm treating myself to a private driver instead of an airport shuttle, and I think that will start the trip off on the right foot. I want to arrive at S's place all excited and happy, not miserable, and $40 may make all the difference.

I am applying for a job that I think I would LOVE. It would be a new direction for me.

Also, I just got back from the vet, who congratulated me on taking such good care of my little PM Pudding.

It's a beautiful day in Bmore and I have a date to meet up with people at 5 at the beer gardens (part of the spring fair on campus.)