didn't something bad happen to JC at 33?

i'm not going to look at my old posts because i know i can't stand them.

today i'm 33 and i think this is the most difficult birthday ever. it's the first without my dad. my god, do i miss him. his unwavering belief in me will never be matched. through my separation, while he prepared to undergo a dangerous, experimental treatment for his lymphoma.

i am still really angry about his illness and death. i get mad at other people for having grandparents, for having mothers in their 80's, for not going through what i do. but it's hard to talk about. i mean, i can only physically say, "i miss my dad" so many times, and it's always a different feeling, a different catalyst, a different pain.

on to things i should, one would thing, be able to change.

my job is so unique and so precious, but also so immensely dysfunctional that i fear i have to move on. i am not the type to impose function on unhealthy messes. i just go along for the ride until i get scared i'm becoming part of the mess, no longer just observing it.

i'm just at this point that's like, why is my life what it is? why do i live in this particular place? why do i eat what i eat, hang out with those i (rarely) see, work so much. ugh, just a painful place to be at 33 when i was hoping for a little nap at the helm.

tonight we're having nachos and then probably watching some episodes of Friday Night Lights. tomorrow i work in the shop and have commanded myself to write the long-postponed email to our executive committee about my problems with the place. i've begun to look for other employment. sunday we go buy the sewing machine that is my christmas present. that is very exciting and i only wish we had been able to do it today so i could spend sunday actually sewing.

anyway, thanks for being here, old blog.